Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
