i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
