I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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