my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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