remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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