I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
