I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We are two peas in an std pod
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
