god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
