If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
