she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
