i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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