there's paper in my vomit.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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