the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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