i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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