I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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