my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Holy sore nipples Batman
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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