In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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