I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
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He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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