so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
