I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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