Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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