I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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