I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
