so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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