my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
my liver is dry heaving
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
