My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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