Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
