Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
