3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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