I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
