You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
