I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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