the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
