Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
