I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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