I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
