Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
