Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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