Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
