maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.