i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration