we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
