I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
