how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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