Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
