he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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