His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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