Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
