your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
