fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
