Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He has the fingertips of a God
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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