honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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