I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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