YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk is a universal language darling
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
