and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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