The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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