i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
